Reader Surveys

I sent out a letter with a few little questions on it, and asked my readers to answer in their own words the questions below.

I found the responses interesting and enlightening. One of the things that fascinates me most about this lifestyle is how it means a variety of things to so many people. There are very few (possibly no) right and wrong answers in BDSM. I do not see things the same way as some others do, nor would everyone agree with what I believe all the time. I hope that in reading this you will keep that in mind and not pass judgment nor be offended by views that do not align perfectly with your own. We are a fairly small community and I sincerely wish that we could learn to be more respectful if not at least tolerant of others. Thanks, and Best wishes!!! SxySadist

1) What is BDSM?

At its simplest level, it's "bondage-discipline and sadomasochism"--it's a broad catch-all term we use to cover any form of sexuality that involves one party controlling another for the sexual pleasure of both.

What is BDSM:: Bondage. Sadism. Discipline. Masochism But what it really is a many faceted lifestyle. For each individual it may and often does vary. I think it is a pure physical form of love style and it fills a deep need in us. A void often ignored as taboo

BDSM is a combination of the terms "Bondage & Domination" and "Sado-Masochism". Actually, they really should not be associated with one another but they commonly are. In B&D there is a submissive and a dominant respectively. The submissive being the bound party, is forced into submission (usually by choice) by the dominant party by various methods, including, but not limited to: Bondage, Corporal Punishment, Sensual Deprivation, Humiliation tactics, and other disciplinary and behavioral modification methods. In S&M There is a Sadist and a Masochist. The Sadist takes delight in driving the masochist crazy by torturing and tormenting them. The Masochist takes delight in the pain and torture received. --- A Masochist says "HURT ME, HURT ME". A TRUE Sadist says..."No."

Bondage and Discipline: The exchange of power where one person is in control and the other is controlled. Bondage is a common way to obtain submission by rendering the sub in a vulnerable position with no escape. Discipline is used to "train" a submissive to take correction from their Dominant. This may be in the form of corporal (whipping, spanking, paddling, nipple clamps, cock and ball torture, hot wax, etc) or perhaps repetitive tasks until the submissive gets it correct. Humiliation is another form of discipline perhaps used for punishment or to expand the limits of the submissive. Sadism and Masochism: A sadist is one who sexually gets off by inflicting pain on another. A masochist is one who sexually gets off by receiving pain. REMEMBER: A true sadist cannot hurt a true masochist.

2) What is so much fun about hurting people (or being hurt)?

Unless the Dominant is a sadist or the submissive a masochist, there isn't anything fun about the actual whipping itself. The result of the whipping is what you are after. For most, the feeling of "I've been a bad boy" is the turn on. The warm glowy feeling that the whipping produces is actually the goal for both the Dominant and the submissive. As a Dominant watching the submissive achieve this and become more submissive as a result is the kick. 

This is a complex issue to answer because everyone is different and has different needs and tastes. This Question assumes the S&M environment is present but not necessarily B&D. I shall address what I believe is the issue you are interested in... the compound BDSM environment. To the Submissive/Masochist, the application of pain and restraint serve to generate arousal by (amplified) stimulation, sometimes utilizing fear and pain as a tools to increase the flow of adrenaline to intensify orgasmic response, usually over a period of time of deprivation from release, followed by the removal of pain and the administration of pleasure. The Dominant/Sadist finds a (somewhat) healthy vent for built-up stress and frustration by physically and mentally abusing a willing recipient to the point of utter submission and the begging for release and/or orgasm. The Dominant/Sadist takes their pleasure from the submissive as they see fit, knowing that they are in control and knowing that the submissive finds pleasure in this. This is the mystery of "The Joy of Suffering". Both parties find pleasure in seeing the other pleased.

For me it is not truly about just pain. It is exploring the senses. Touch or feeling is a major part of it and sometimes it just intensifies the sensations to be touched aggressively. 

I don't think "hurting people" is necessarily a valid way to put it--for me, I dislike hurting people I'm erotically involved with tremendously. I find *control* (either exercising it when I'm Domme, or relinquishing it when I'm sub), OTOH, to be extremely erotic--and discipline is a one means of establishing control. So, BTW, is tight bondage and helplessness--which is *my* special love! :-) I think for many sub/bes, like me, the eroticism of control comes from the fact that the dom/me is *paying attention to you*--you're important enough to the dom/me that s/he takes control of you, either by rendering you helpless, or by making you do things for him/her, or by discipline. I suspect that for a lot of sub/bes, being disciplined in some fashion is like a kid making a ruckus and getting spanked by a parent--it may not be positive attention, but at least it's attention of some kind....

3) What do you like most about it?

I personally think the best way to describe to a newbie where we are coming from, it to explain that everything is "consentual" and agreed upon. And the phrase you used 'hurt" isn’t hurt at all, but a feeding and nurturing of what the submissive needs to exist.

What I like best is the control aspect, both as a Domme and a subbie. When I'm Domme, I like taking control of by partner--making sure she's totally mine to do what I wish with (within the parameters we've established beforehand, of course), and that her ultimate pleasure is in my hands. When I'm subbie, I like relinquishing control to my partner--knowing that whatever she does to me (again, within pre-established parameters), I'm not able to resist and am therefore *not responsible *. I've often called submission a "vacation from responsibility"--it allows me, if only for a brief time, to give up having to worry about anything because *nothing* is really under my control....

Hardest question I have ever been asked about this lovestyle. It is the total abandonment of what society, in general, approves of. It fills the deep need I have to please and be appreciated.

I love the tenderness that follows. (And of course I love the visual effect of leather and chrome on the body and I love being able to grab my partner's collar and kiss them. Hey, kissing is soooooo much fun!)

hi Suze...i can talk about #3 a bit...too many couples think sex is what they see on TV or the movies or read about in books...personally, sex is one way that couples show their love for each other...anything that intensifies the feeling and is consensual is great...this is where bondage comes in...when my girlfriend reaches orgasm, her arms and legs are flailing, she makes a lot of noise, and has spasms...all pretty normal and typical, i would say...take away any of these physical motions, the others become intensified...so when her wrists and arms are tightly immobilized behind her back, that outlet is gone...take it further, by immobilizing the entire body, the orgasm becomes nearly 100% mental and she literally goes out of her mind...this works for me too...it also requires 100% trust in your partner, because lack of same can cause serious injury or worse...trust is such a large part of love...when i am in tight, inescapable bondage, i see the look of love and joy on my lover's face, i can relax and enjoy the feeling because this is the only person on earth that can set me free, and if that is not love, don't know what is...an analogy you can use is the person who has lost sight or hearing...the other sensory organs have heightened sensitivity to make up for the loss of the other...

The power is a total rush! Having total control over another is a great responsibility and the trust the submissive puts in the Dominant to bring them to the edge and gently pull them back is just overwhelming.

4) What is a typical "SCENE" like?

A submissive will strip for me, crawl towards me and have their restraints placed on their wrists and ankles and collar placed around their neck. Rules are discussed, I play with safewords so that if the submissive is uncomfortable with what is happened or it is too intense for him, he lets me know by saying "purple", this lets me know that he has reached his limit or he is scared, so we slow things down. I then inspect the submissive, feel arms and legs for strength, pinch nipples for reaction, inspect them as if they were a horse that I was buying. We then move into the dungeon where the submissive is positioned on the spanking horse, secured at the hands and feet, ass high in the air to receive what I have to offer. After corporal discipline, the submissive is taken to the whipping post where they are again secured at the feet and hands and is bound from chest to calf in rope to the post. I then blindfold them, put on some dungeonesque music, turn out the lights except for the burning candles and leave the room. After some time I return to see how the submissive has faired his bondage experience. The submissive is then put on the St. Andrews Cross (X frame) again secured at the hands and feet, and cock and ball torture and nipple torture is administered. A cock ring is placed around the cock, clamps attached to the balls, nipple clips are placed on the nipples with the chain connecting the clips placed in the submissive's mouth, so any movement of the head is uncomfortable. A noose is placed on the head of the cock and it is stretched out as far as it will go. Clothes pins are placed on the what is now a long, hard cock, as many as will fit. With a long leather whip, I snap each clothes pin off the cock with dead accuracy. I hardly ever miss. The screams and moans from the submissive are as much of pleasure as they are of pain. The submissive is then told to put his head back as far as it will go to remove the clips from the nipples. I then cane the hard cock and humiliate the submissive about the size of his pathetic tool. The submissive is released from his bonds and provided his has pleased me during the session (being obedient: being open to what I had to offer, willing to push his limit) I allow the submissive to remove my shoes and worship my feet and legs both orally and massage. After body worship, I discuss with the submissive his feelings on the session, fantasies for future training, etc. Arrangements are discussed for our next session, he presents his ass for me to inspect, a slap on the ass and he crawls to his clothes to get dressed. Hope this helps, if you need anything further, contact me. Thanks for asking me to participate! :) 

For each couple it is a different thing. Be it exploring senses by blindfolding and bonding someone to just experiencing touch. It is not the same for each partnership. 

There really is no such thing as a 'typical' scene. The very purpose of such an environment is to escape the boredom and monotony of standard sex. The concept is to create new and different and exciting experiences. By being unpredictable you escape "typical". However, I will give you an example of one of my partner's favorite scenario's. She loves her spankings and deliberately misbehaves to anger me into capturing her into bondage. "What are you going to do about it?", she will usually say. That is my cue. I usually keep a pair of handcuffs in my pocket. I grab her and cuff her hands behind her back so she is basically helpless. Then she suffers the humiliation of being stripped of all her clothing, ripping or cutting them if necessary, until she is completely naked and vulnerable. I fasten a 2 inch wide, thick leather slave collar with heavy D-rings around her neck and padlock it in place. The very feel of the collar changes her mood and humbles her. I attach a leash to the center D-ring and tug on if firmly, pulling her toward me. She tries to pull away but it is a vain effort. Without a word I drag her into the "Special room" that we built for our fantasy play. I open the large black curtain exposing the "Wall of Wonder" as we have lovingly nicknamed it (Herein referred to as "WOW"). The wall is a 4-foot high by 8-foot wide sheet of pegboard covered with a red burlap background displaying a large assortment of cuffs, collars, gags, straps, chains, locks, paddles, whips, clamps, plugs, spreader bars, hoods, masks and blindfolds. I padlock another chain to the center link of the handcuffs and fasten the other end to one of many eye-hooks in the ceiling, drawing her hands and arms up from behind her back until her head is level with her waist and her beautiful bare ass is exposed for attention. Next I reach for the quick-release ball-gag from the WOW and click it loosely around her neck. As I begin to place the ball in her mouth and draw the strap of the gag tighter, I pinch and twist one of her nipples. She resists, saying "No! No! Please Master! Not the Gag! Please! No! Mmmf! Mmmmmmmfff!!!" Now I place her favorite pair of 5-inch heel thigh-high Bitch boots on her feet and padlock a set of leather cuffs with D-rings to her ankles and fasten them to one of the 3-foot spreader bars. Stripped, bound and gagged with her legs spread apart, her ass in the air and her nipples facing the floor, I pull her head up by her hair so she can see as I reach for the pair of clove type nipple clamps connected to each other by a 12-inch chain. The very sight of these makes her tremble and quiver in fear. As I place the clamps on her nipples, tears come to her eyes as she wiggles and twists and winces. The gag turns what would be cries, yells and screams into wonderful muffled sounding moans. I place a blindfold over her eyes and let her settle for a while. After about 15 minutes, which to her seems like an eternity, I begin to pay attention to that tuft of hair between her legs by reaching for the shaving cream and a razor and shaving her beautiful pussy clean, leaving a heart shaped patch just above it. Her bare pussy is extremely sensitive now. I take the soft rubber whip from the WOW and begin to whip her beautifully well proportioned ass with it until it is a nice crimson color, occasionally allowing the strands of the whip to draw between her legs and brush her pussy. She wants more of that but I won't let her have it. She wiggles and twists and winces some more only now her bottom moves in order to meet the whip with anticipation of pleasure. I can tell because the rubber strands of the whip are glistening wet with the juices of the passion between her legs. I scold her for taking pleasure from her punishment and call her names like Slut, Bitch, Whore, Slave, and Fuck-Toy. I take the telescoping dildo rod from the WOW and fasten one end of it to the connector embedded in the floor. Still blindfolded, she is pleasantly surprised when I insert the dildo end into het hot and wanting inner folds as far as it will go. I continue to call her names and humiliate her as I begin to whip her breasts with the rubber whip. The nipple clamps that dangle toward the floor get caught by the whip and tug and pull her already sensitive nipples with each stroke. She wiggles and twists and winces and moans more and more as she begins to match the rhythm of the whip with her soaking wet pussy riding the dildo rod. The difference between pain and pleasure seem to disappear. I remove her blindfold and force her to look at herself in the mirror. A bound, gagged worthless slut, ready to fuck like an animal. She sees herself and knows what she is... MINE! As I remove the nipple clamps she convulses in orgasm. Those wonderful sounds emanating from the ball-gag are music to my ears. I remove the dildo rod and insert the vagina plug of her favorite chastity belt in her slick little slit then I securely fasten the rest of the chastity belt to her waist with a padlock. Looking at herself in the mirror she wonders what I will do next. After making a quick trip to the closet I release the chain from the ceiling and remove the spreader bar so she can stand upright. I dress her in that frilly pleated red latex mini-skirt that just covers her ass by 2 inches. If she bends over at all you can see her chastity belt and a few inches of leg at the top of her thigh-high boots. I take the matching red latex halter top and fasten it on her. Her nipples are showing off like torpedo’s, even more aroused by the feel of the rubber halter. Releasing the ball-gag, I pull on the leash attached to her collar and kiss her, saying "We are going to dinner and dancing tonight. Any objections? (kiss)" She replies "Of course not, Master. You know that I am yours to command. (very big kiss and brushes her breasts against me just to keep her nipples hard.)" That is a sample of one of our favorite scenes. I hope you appreciated it as it took hours of my time to answer you.